


Show You Your Worth

by Melancholy_Danny



Category: Crankiplier - Fandom
Genre: Anal Sex, Feelings Realization, Gay, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Injury Recovery, M/M, Oral Sex, Recovery, Romance, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, YouTube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23023948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melancholy_Danny/pseuds/Melancholy_Danny
Summary: After a suicide attempt, Ethan struggles with self acceptance. Meanwhile Mark realizes his feelings and tries to show Ethan how important he truly is.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 19
Kudos: 249





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning! Self harm/suicide attempt.

Ethan was staring blankly out of the window as Mark was speaking to him. They were discussing Unus Annus videos and he had completely zoned out. Mark's deep voice eventually brought him back. 

"Eth? Ethan!" He shouted and gave him an annoyed look. Ethan bit his lip and looked down. He felt bad. Mark worked really hard and had amazing ideas, and he couldn't even listen to him. When Mark saw the look on Ethan's face, he softened. 

"Hey.. Sorry I didn't mean to get annoyed. I guess I'm just stressed. Are you doing okay, dude? You don't seem well.." He wasn't. He wasn't well at all. He was constantly having an internal conflict with himself and he hated it. He was so burnt out with videos for his channel and the joint one. Not only that, but the comments were getting to him. Too skinny. Ugly. Weak. Annoying. Childish. At first he didn't mind them, but then Mark and his friend said those things too. 

Logically Ethan knew it was a joke, and that his friends loved him. But inside it was making his already low self esteem worse. He hated it. He never saw Mark affected by that stuff, so why was he? 

"Ethan?" Fuck. He'd gotten distracted again. He sighed and Shook his head, giving Mark a fake smile. 

"I'm fine. Think I'm just exhausted from working. I've been really stressed lately.. " he said. He felt bad for lying, but in a way, he wasn't. Stress was ONE of the reasons he felt so little. Another reason was Mark, but he tried not to think about that. 

"Dude why don't you take a day off? We have videos filmed to last two weeks at least, and your fans wouldnt mind" Mark suggested, but Ethan just Shook his head. He knew taking a day off would disappoint people, or at least that's what he felt. Mark didn't seem to take days off, so why should he. 

"I'm alright Mark. Hey I'm gonna head home, alright? I'll text you" he said and didn't hesitate in leaving. He got into his car and laid his head against the steering wheel. It was getting harder to be around Mark. One reason the jokes hurt were because Mark was his idol. Not only that but he was in love with him. But he wad dating Amy and straight. And even if he was gay and single, he was hot and muscular. Ethan wasn't anywhere near as attractive and loved as Mark. Mark could do better.. 

\--

Once he was home, Ethan locked himself in his room, stripping down and looking in the mirror. He hated himself. He hated how thin he was. He worked out, but wasn't gaining muscle fast at all. He hated the comments on how skinny he was. Weirdly enough, the comments only made him not want to eat because he felt disgusted, even though he knew that'd make it worse. 

He Shook his head as tears filled his eyes. He hated this. Why couldn't he be like Mark and love himself? Why did he have to be so pathetic. He looked down at his arm, fresh marks from the night before. Everytime he saw them he felt sick and Guilty. If Mark knew, what would he do? 

His dark thoughts told him he'd just laugh, but he tried to tell himself that wasn't true, that Mark would be sad. That thought hurt even worse. The idea of hurting Mark by doing this. He couldn't take it. 

He slowly walked over to his desk and grabbed a bottle of sleep pills. He kept them for nights he couldn't sleep, but now he wasn't gonna wake up. He took out his phone and looked at Mark's contact. He Shook his head and Typed out a message. 

-I'm sorry for doing this to you, to the fans, and to our project. I know we had a lot planned, but I'm sure someone can take my place. I love you Mark, please don't be sad.. I want you to know how grateful I am for everything you've done. I'm so lucky to have been your friend. -

He sent the message and then quickly downed the pills, using some water to help him get it down. He sniffled and soon started to cry. Soon it'd be over. Soon the pain would be over. Mark would be happy. He'd be out of everyone's hair and wouldn't suffer anymore. He cried loudly, sobbing, not caring about the Noise. He looked down to see Mark calling, but the last thing he saw was Mark's contact picture before everything suddenly went black. 

\--

Mark had been editing a video before he got a text from Ethan. When he read it, his heart dropped. He knew what this could mean and he didn't wanna waste a second. 

He hurried to put shoes on, all while calling Ethan back to back to try and get an answer. He explained the situation to Amy and she followed along with him. 

The drive to Ethan's was long, or felt long, and Mark couldn't stop shaking. He couldn't lose Ethan, not now, not ever. Once they arrived he took out the key and opened the door. Even had given Mark the key for Unus Annus videos as they had become very comfortable to go into each other's houses. Sometimes they'd show up while the other showered or woke up, and go ahead and set up cameras. 

He ran up to Ethan's room, Amy trailing close behind. He knocked harshly. "Ethan! Ethan open this damn door!" He screamed and panted, a rush of adrenaline going through him. After a few moments of no response, he started throwing himself against the door, groaning. It didn't hurt then, but he knew it definitely would later. 

"Fuck I can't open the door!" He yelled at himself and held his head, panicking. "Amy, get the hammer from my car, now!" He said and she rushed off. Once she was back, he grabbed it and started hitting the door handle. "Ethan!" He yelled and hit it over and over again until finally it broke off and he pushed the door open. 

He dropped the hammer and froze. Ethan was sprawled out on his bed, empty bottle of pills laying beside him. "No.. No no, fuck! No!" He yelled and ran over, pulling Ethan up into his arms. He leaned down and listened for a pulse, only hearing a very faint one. 

"An ambulance is on it's way" Amy said softly. She was crying as well, trying hard to stay strong for Mark. She cared for Ethan too but she knew how close they were. 

Mark held Ethan, crying hard. He looked down and saw the lines on both his wrists, only crying harder. How could he have just not noticed? He was oblivious and he might lose Ethan because of it. 

When the paramedics arrived, Mark didn't wanna let Ethan go from his arms. He wanted to yell when he was told to follow by car, wanting to get in with Ethan. But he didn't. He couldn't argue right now, he just needed Ethan to be okay. 

Amy drove while Mark laid in the passenger seat crying. He dug his nails into his hand to stop himself from crying. He made a promise to himself that if Ethan lived, he'd show him how much he was loved, how much Mark loved him, no matter what it took.


	2. Chapter Two

Bright lights is all Ethan saw when he woke up. He groaned and tried to sit up before feeling something in his arms. He waited until his eyes adjusted before looking down to see the IV in his arm. Fuck. It didn't work. 

He sighed and laid his head back. He looked over to the white board and read the date. March fifth. He had been in here for three days. Had he really been out that long? How did anyone even find him? He looked around the room until he stopped to see dark eyes staring back at him. 

The eyes that were usually happy and followed with a smiling face, now had dark circles below them and an unreadable expression. They stared at each other for what felt like hours, before Mark finally let out a sigh. 

"Why" is all he said, and Ethan knew what he meant. Why did he self harm. Why did he attempt. Why didn't he tell Mark. Why didn't he reach out for help. That one word held a million questions and he saw it on Mark's face.

"Mark.. It's Noth-"

"Ethan! You almost fucking died!" Mark snapped and stood up. 

"Don't tell me it's nothing, don't. Not after I found you nearly dead, barely breathing. Not after spending three days in a hospital waiting and hoping you'd wake up. Don't give me that bullshit"

Ethan cried. He couldnt stand seeing Mark like this, knowing he upset him. It was all his fault. 

"The comments.. I.. Everyone ignores me. I'm the ugly one. The childish one.. I'm too skinny.. Too much acne.. No one likes me, Mark.. You've seen the comments. And you call me ugly too.. " he mumbled and looked away. 

"I try so hard.. I work out, I be myself, I try to act confident by taking my shirt off in videos with you. I try to upload often.. I try.. And I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I feel like if.. If I died, everyone would be better off. Everyone would be happier. You wouldn't be stuck with me.. "

Hearing those words killed Mark. She didn't know that the comments were affecting Ethan that bad. And he especially didn't know that his jokes were hurting him as well. If he had known he would have stopped right away. He frowned, staring at the man laying in front of him. 

He truly hated himself. He felt unappreciated. And he didn't deserve it. He saw how hard Ethan worked. He watched him write down ideas for videos he never even ended up doing. Some nights he'd fall asleep at Mark's house from staying up late and editing. He always tried to be perfect. He didn't click bait or lie to fans, he'd always been honest, but not overly honest like some. 

He was a hard worked. Not only that, but an amazing friend and genuine person. No one deserved to feel this way, especially not Ethan. 

He walked forward and hugged his friend gently, letting out a sigh before pulling away. He couldn't stand this. He almost felt angry at all the people making Ethan feel this way, but he knew it wouldn't help. He couldn't stop millions of people online, even if he owned YouTube. 

"Ethan.. You're a great person. And I know you probably don't see it yourself but you really are.. You make me happy. I love your annoying jokes. And I think your body is nice. You're not ugly or childish. You're honest and funny and caring. You'd die to make one of your friends smile, that's the kind of person you are.. " he said. 

"I want you to know that I love having you in my life, and that you're my best friend. I couldn't do Unus Annus with anyone else. And you can come to me.. "

He reached out and grabbed Ethan's free hand. "You can come to me no matter what. You won't bother me or annoy me for reaching out. I'd rather you wake me up at 3 a.m. crying instead of finding out that you've died or hurt yourself again. Okay? You don't burden me.. I love you" he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Ethan's forehead. 

Ethan wiped his tears and nodded, giving a weak smile. "Thank you, Mark.. Feels good knowing someone cares even though it felt like no one did for a while.. I should've reached out instead of getting stuck in my head. I should've been honest when you asked, and I'm truly sorry. I'll be open with you.. I promise.. "

Mark smiled and sat back down moving the chair closer. "You know.. Bob and Wade came to visit yesterday, they said to tell you they love you and hope you get better. Sean also texted and sent get well wishes.. You matter, Ethan.. "

Ethan smiled again and sniffled. "God I'm so stupid.. I'm sorry Mark.. I... I'm gonna try to get better. I have to.. People care.. I can't let them down.. I can't leave you guys"

Mark nodded and grabbed his hand, holding it. "You're gonna come stay with me once your discharged. You can stay in my guest room.. I want you to stay with me for a while right now.. You're weak. Plus, no offense, I don't trust you alone right now" he said. He felt bad. He didn't want you thinking he was treating him like a baby, but in reality he just didn't want to risk losing him again. 

Ethan just nodded and closed his eyes. 'Fine.. I miss Chica anyways.. What about Amy? Is she going to be okay with me staying with you guys? I don't want to intrude on your relationship... "

Mark gave him an awkward smile and sighed. "Uh.. Amy and I broke up. About two weeks ago. She's still living with me until she finds a place but.. Yeah. We're still friends, and I didn't wanna leave her to fend for herself. We're all good. Feelings just kind of.. Faded.. Guess that's why I never proposed.. " he said. "But she's taking Henry, so she won't be alone. I'm a little sad but.. I know he'll keep her safe.. "

Ethan just stared for a moment and bit his lip. Mark was single no. Maybe he had a chance.. No! He's not gay. He just got out of a relationship why would you decide to get with him now? He's healing. He argued with his head and sighed. He had to keep his feelings away from Mark. Luckily it seemed he took the 'I love you' in the text as a platonic I love you, so he was safe for now. 

Living with Mark would be hard though. What if he couldn't hide it? What if his feelings Came out and Mark cut Ethan out? He knew Mark was nowhere near homophobic, but what if he hated Ethan? 

He shook his head. He needed to get those bad thoughts out of his head. That's part of the recovery. Mark cared for him. Even if he found out, he'd never hate Ethan. He just had to tell himself that. He looked over and smiled when he felt Mark's hand against his cheek. 

"Sorry.. I just.. I almost lost you.. I'm scared if I let go, you'll be gone.. " Mark said sadly, rubbing his thumb against Ethan's Jaw. Ethan just Shook his head and rested his face against Mark's hand, enjoying the warm contact. 

"I don't mind.. I know you're scared. It doesn't bother me. It makes me feel better too.. Knowing someone cares.. " he admitted shyly and closed his eyes. Mark moved closer and rested his head against Ethan's. He was uncomfortable in the hospital chair, but comfortable at the same time as he stayed close to Ethan. 

His heart pounded fast for this man, and he knew then and there he loved him. He hated that it took near death for him to realize it. But he wouldn't confess his feelings. At least, not yet. Ethan needed a friend right now, not someone trying to get into his pants. He looked down at his face and smiled. All he could think about was waking up to that face every morning, but he pushed those thoughts away for another time.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan comforts Mark and then things get... Spicy.

Living with Mark was a lot less stressful than Ethan thought. When he'd gotten there, Mark had his clothes already in the guest bedroom along with his laptop and some games. He felt a little bad, not wanting Mark to do so much for him. 

For the first few days, Ethan could barely walk, so Mark basically just brought food for him and water, and did everything but bathe Ethan. Ethan loved and hated it. He felt special being babied, but he knew but the circumstances weren't that great and he hated feeling like a burden. 

After a week, Ethan was pretty much back to normal, but still staying with Mark. He was currently scrolling on his laptop when he heard fighting. He instantly froze. It was Amy and Mark. He knew they had already broken up, but he didn't expect them to be fighting still. 

"I can't believe you!" He heard Amy's voice. She sounded heartbroken. Why? He thought they'd broken up already. 

"Amy I can't help it! It's how I feel!"

"Well why didn't you say anything sooner!?"

"I didn't wanna hurt you! And I was scared.. "

It went quiet after that. That was a bold statement, as Mark was usually cocky and didn't seem afraid of anything. He figured Amy noticed that too because he heard them both apologizing to each other. 

He waited a few minutes before slowly exiting the room. He didn't wanna intrude, but he wanted to make sure everything was okay. What he didn't expect to see was Amy packing up her stuff. He knew she was leaving, but already? Mark had said she didn't move into her new apartment for another week. 

"Amy.. " Amy looked up at Ethan and gave him a smile. "Hey.. I'm moving in early. Sorry for the ruckus.. I'm gonna miss you" she said and went to hug him. Ethan hugged back and closed his eyes. "Don't be sad Amy. We'll still text and hang out. We're still friends"

She pulled away and nodded. "Take care of Mark. He's a great man.. Don't take it for granted" she said before walking out, Henry following on leash behind her. Ethan was confused by the statement. Obviously he didn't take Mark for granted, he was his best friend. His crush as well but- that wasn't important. 

He made his way to Mark's room, walking in as the door was open. He frowned at the sight. Mark was crying and tried to cover it up when Ethan came in. "Hey! Ethan I'm fine. I was just about to come and check-"

"I love you" Ethan said. "You're my best friend.. You don't have to pretend to be strong. You've taken care of me.. Let me return the favor.. " he walked over and wrapped his arms tightly around Mark. 

He knew Mark played off his feelings a lot, wanting to seem strong. He hated it. He wanted Mark to be able to come to him. Mark hesitated for a second before hugging back and crying into Ethan's shoulder. 

Neither of them spoke. They didn't need to. They understood. Mark was upset about Amy leaving, and upset that he'd shown he can be vulnerable. But He knew Mark knew that he cared for him. And everything they wanted to say filled the silence alone. 

\--

The next morning, Ethan woke up in Mark's bed. He stared at the ceiling in confusion before remembering the right before. Mark cried in front of Ethan and they eventually became tired. So Ethan cuddled with mark and they both fell asleep. Which explained why their legs were tangled and why Mark's head was on his chest. 

He felt rhe other move, but what he didn't expect were the soft kisses being placed on his neck. "Uh.. Mark.. " he mumbled. He enjoyed them, but he wasn't sure if Mark knew exactly what he was doing. 

The other shot up and blushed. "Sorry! Sorry...still getting used to no Amy.. Uh" 

But Ethan just laughed. Laughed so Mark wouldn't be embarrassed, but also because he was sad. He wanted those kisses to be for him, not Amy. 

He slowly got up and stretched, Mark grabbing his arm and looking over it. He did this every morning. Ethan hated it, but he understood. Mark just wanted to make sure he wasn't hurting himself anymore, so he appreciated it in a way. "Don't worry Mark" he said and smiled. 

Mark smiled back and got up as well, stretching and sliding on a shirt. "Hey Ethan.. Maybe you should go take care of your problem" he said. Ethan raised an eyebrow until he realized what he meant. He had woken up with a boner, and Mark's kisses made it worse. He was mortified and quickly covered himself with a pillow. 

"Hey I don't mind. It happens. I'm gonna go shower.. Maybe uh.. Go to your room and handle it. If you want" Mark said and left to the shower. Ethan rushed off to his bedroom and went into the shower himself. He didn't feel right taking care of this in Marks house, so maybe a cold shower would do. He was about to get in when he realized this bathroom was out of towels. 

He made his way back to Mark's room, about to knock when he heard noises. He raised an eyebrow and leaned in, blushing when he realized it was Mark moaning. Well, like Mark said earlier, it happened. Maybe he woke up with it too and was handling it. He was about to pull away when he heard his name. 

"Ethan.. "

He felt cold, like he was dreaming or stuck in time. No, no no. There was no way. He heard wrong. Until he heard his name again. 

Was Mark touching himself to the thought of Ethan. He blushed and bit his lip. Did this mean Mark returned the feelings? He felt himself getting hotter, and slowly reached a hand into his boxers, stroking himself. This felt wrong, he was invading mark's privacy. But he couldn't stop himself. 

He leaned against the wall, trying to keep quiet as he moved his hand slowly to the sound of mark's moans. He let out a whine and covered his mouth, hoping the water in the shower masked his noises. 

"Ethan.. Fuck.. Yes.. " Ethan moved his hand faster, feeling himself getting closer to the edge. He was feeling brave, and so badly wanted to just go into the bathroom with Mark. He heard Mark let out a loud moan and assumed he reached his climax, and Ethan was there soon after. 

He let out a gasp and bit his lip so hard it bled. His legs felt like jelly and he had to lean against the wall to keep himself from falling. He heard the shower cut off and panicked, quickly running out of the room. 

He didn't know how to feel he'd currently ruined his pair of boxers. Not only that, he'd caught his best friend masturbating and basically did it with him. He felt guilty. It wasn't right for him to invade Mark's privacy like that. Even if he did enjoy it. He decided he'd never do it again and went to go actually shower. He still had no towel, but assumed he'd just air dry. Not like he had anywhere to go anyways.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I've been gone for a very long time and I'm so sorry! Quarintine has been mentally draining but I'm trying to get back into it. Sorry this chapter probably isn't the best. I hope you're all doing well.

"Oh that's bullshit!" Ethan yelled playfully, setting the controller down. "You've won five fucking times, I call bull!"  
Him and Mark were currently playing Mario kart. It had been a week since the shower incident, and Ethan had fortunately pushed it aside.. Mostly. He caught himself staring at Mark or zoning out, but always had an excuse. 

"Hey hey hey.. Not my fault you suck ass at video games. " Mark teased, setting his controller down as well and looking at Ethan. Ethan pouted playfully and Mark rolled his eyes, shoving him gently. 

"Oh lighten up. Maybe with practice you can be as good as, master Mark, no-, big daddy Mark" Ethan let out a laugh and covered his mouth. "No way in hell I will ever refer to you as 'big daddy Mark'. Last thing I need to do is inflate your ego" he shot back. 

Mark scoffed and acted offended. "Big daddy Mark does not have to take this disrespect. Watch it, I still have my paintball gun" at the mention of that, Ethan quickly shut up, biting his lip. He was scared of it. Even though he felt it before, it was still spooky to him. The idea of someone shooting stuff ay you was not pleasing. 

"You wouldn't dare" he challenged. Mark raised an eyebrow. 

"Oh, I dare. And this time I'll make you get on your knees". And that statement hit Ethan below the waist. He remembered Mark telling him to get on his knees when he was shot. The moment was confusing for him. He hadn't seen the paintball gun at first, so obviously he was confused on why his friend wanted him on his knees, especially since him and Amy were still together. 

He remembered feeling flushed for a split second before realizing what was actually happening. Mark smirked and chuckled lowly. 

"Nah, you'd probably like that. Getting on your knees for big daddy Mark" he teased. Ethan's face only heated more as he hit Mark's arm. 

"Oh don't get cocky, shut up." He said. He didn't have much of a comeback as he was trying to prevent a little friend from popping up. So, he changed the subject. 

"Anyways, I was thinking of maybe doing truth or dare for an Unus Annus video. I know it's Cliche but it'd be a laid back video. We could get the fans to give us truths and dares." Ethan suggested. 

"Hmm.. Not a bad idea, but you know most of the dares would probably be crankiplier shit" Mark said and shrugged. "Though, we're both single so I wouldn't mind a few things like.. Sitting in each other's lap and shit. As long as you don't mind as well" he said. 

Ethan shrugged. "How bad could it be?"

\---

"Fuck, that was disgusting!" Mark exclaimed as he sat the empty shot glass down. "Mustard is not good on its own, ew.. I regret everything" he said and shook his head. 

"Oh Come on Mark, I thought you were tuff" Ethan teased and stuck his tongue out at Mark. "Oh whatever. Alright, truth or dare?" He asked Ethan. 

"Hmm.. Hit me with a dare! I can take it!" Him and Mark were filming for Unus Annus. They decided to go with Ethan's idea for truth or dare. And boy, the fans did not hold back. Mark drank Mustard, Ethan had to be pushed into the pool. But they both enjoyed it, even though the dares sucked to do. It was all fun. 

Mark closed his eyes and scrolled, his finger landing on a tweet. He opened his eyes and they immediately widened. "Oh boy.. Uh.. Ethan, kiss Mark" he said and looked towards Ethan. "Look I can choose a different one if you're not comfortable with this. I don't wanna push you"

Ethan was just trying to not get shy at the dare. He definitely wanted to kiss Mark, but what if it messed things up? They were close enough to do stuff like this.. Rjght? "I mean.. We're single and it's just a simple kiss. It's a dare, I'm fine with it. I've kissed guys before for dares back in high school"

Mark nodded and looked at the camera. "Well, hope you're ready to ship us. Come here Ethan" Ethan moved closer and awkwardly sat in front of Mark. "Okay so I guess I just.. Go for it" he said and cleared his throat. 

He winked playfully at the camera before hesitantly leaning forward and pressing his lips to Mark's. The kiss lasted maybe five seconds, not long at all, but it felt like forever to Ethan. It wasn't much, a simple peck, but he felt dizzy. Mark's lips were softer than he imagined. 

After they broke, Ethan rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and cleared his throat. "Uh.. Anyways, that was for you guys" he said, trying to act as if he didn't want more. He went to move but strong arms wrapped around his waist and kept him close. 

"Mark wha-" he was cut off by soft lips against his own, and he didn't hesitate to kiss back. He felt himself being pulled closer and wrapped his arms around Mark's neck. 

Once the kiss ended, he looked into mark's eyes. He was happy but also extremely confused. Why did Mark kiss him again? Was it just for the video? Mark's eyes looked directly back into Ethan's, but he couldn't read them. Usually he could tell what Mark was feeling, but not this time. 

"That will definitely drive the fans crazy" he suddenly said, causing Ethan's heart to drop. He pulled away and stared at Mark. 

"That was for the video?" He asked. 

"Of course. The little peck wasn't enough in my opinion. But later when we edit we can decide" Mark said, as if it was nothing. 

Ethan stayed quiet for a few moments. "I think we have enough for the video" he said suddenly and stood up from the floor. Mark stood up as well and looked at Ethan weirdly. 

"What? Why are you trying to end so soon?" He asked, moving closer to Ethan, but the younger male moved away. He glanced at Mark before sighing and rushing off to the guest room. Mark, knowing something was wrong, quickly followed. He was now concerned over anything, not caring about the video anymore. He tried to catch Ethan but met a door getting shut in his face. 

Ethan sat down on the bed and cried, ignoring the knocks from Mark. He was heartbroken. He had a small bit of hope and Mark crushed it. He felt stupid. Of course Mark didn't feel the same, he was above Ethan. Even though he denied it, Mark was truly worth much more than Ethan, at least, that's what Ethan thought. 

"Eth, Ethan. Come on, what did I do? Let me apologize. Do you need to talk?" He heard Mark's voice, but simply ignored him. He didn't wanna talk. He didn't wanna hurt Anymore. His thoughts caused him to zone out, and he could no longer hear mark's raising voice. And before he knew it, he'd cried himself to sleep, wishing not to wake up.


	5. Chapter Five

When Ethan woke, he felt like shit. His eyes were puffy, his face and neck sticky from tears, and he felt physically weak. He hadn't even realized he fell asleep, and by the time on his phone, it'd been a few hours.   
He didn't hear Mark anymore, so he figured the male went to his own room or to his office. So he decided to sneak out and get something to eat without running into him. 

He forced himself up and walked to the door, opening it and walking out only to trip over Mark. He groaned and caught himself on his side, looking at the male confused. Mark had been asleep outside of the door, tear stains down his cheeks. 

Before he could even question him, he was being pulled close, hands checking all over his body. He didn't question that, he knew why. But why sleep outside the room? 

"Mark what were you doing...?" He asked quietly, still not happy with him. Mark gave him a sad look and sighed. 

"Last time you locked yourself away.. I found you nearly dead, Ethan.. " he said. "And I stayed to listen.. I know it's dumb I just, I never wanna go through that again. Ever. I thought I was gonna lose you that night.. " he looked broken, and Ethan hated it. He understood what Mark meant. Seeing your friend almost dead will make a person more cautious, and he knew he'd do the same if the tables were turned. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you mark.. I was just upset" ethan said and hugged him. 

"Ethan please tell me what I did. I didn't mean to upset you. Was it the kiss? I'm sorry, I knew I should've asked first" god, why was he so sweet? He couldn't be more wrong, though. 

"Mark.. I. No. It was the kiss but not what you think" he said and took a deep breath. It's now or never. "I.. Wanted the kiss. But when you said it was just for the video I felt.. Used? I got my hopes up and I'm sorry. I hope this doesn't ruin anything.. But, I wanted that kiss.. I just wanted it to be real.. " he looked away. He didn't wanna see the disgust in mark's eyes, he wouldn't be able to bare it. 

He felt a hand in his and his eyes shot up to Mark, trying to read his eyes once again. 

"Ethan I did want to kiss you.. I just panicked and made up an excuse for the video.. " Mark admitted, scooting closer to Ethan. "Ethan you're absolutely perfect in every way, and I could never be upset about this. I.. The reason me and Amy were fighting is because I confessed I liked you.. "

Ethan felt like he was dreaming. Mark liked him? Though, he felt guilty about the Amy thing. He wanted this to be real and hoped it was. He debated on asking Mark to pinch him. 

Mark stood up and pulled Ethan to his feet. "I'm surprised you didn't realize I liked you when you heard me moaning your name in the shower"

Ethan's face heated up quickly. 'what! How did you know?" He asked, causing mark to laugh at his shock. 

"Man the floor creaks, I heard you. Plus.. I knew your shower was out of towels, I didn't want you to hear it but I knew you did. I'm surprised you didn't bring it up"

"I didn't wanna embarrass you. I figured I heard wrong.. " Mark leaned in and smirked a little. "You liked it, didn't you.. " he whispered, causing Ethan to shiver and bite his lip. 

Mark moved and gently pinned Ethan to the wall, looking him in the eyes. "How could I not moan your name? You're beautiful.. God, you're perfect.. You're the one that I want, Ethan.. " he then pressed his lips gently against his, Ethan eagerly kissing back and closing his eyes. 

Mark released his wrists and moved his hands down, finding the end of Ethan's shirt and sliding them up underneath in order to feel his bare skin. Ethan shivered and wrapped his arms around Mark's neck, his fingers lightly gripping the ends of his hair. 

Mark moved down and started to kiss Ethan's neck, going to work on leaving marks wherever he could. Ethan was slowly just turning into a mess, as his neck was super sensitive. But he tried to stay quiet, hiding his moans by biting harshly on his bottom lip. 

Mark caught on and grabbed his jaw. "Hey.. Let me hear you.. " he whispered as his thigh found itself pressing between Ethan's legs, causing him to let out a surprised moan. This only made Mark smirk, and he lifted Ethan up, carrying him inside of the bedroom and tossing him on the bed. 

Within seconds, they both had their shirts off and mark's lips made their way down Ethan's chest, making sure to nip at the skin along the way because he loved the little sounds Ethan made when he did. He unbuttoned Ethan's pants and slowly slid them down, laying them on the floor and soon his boxers followed. 

Ethan felt exposed, but kept himself calm because it was Mark. He could trust mark, he's always been able to. When he looked up, he hadn't expected Mark to be fully naked as well, and his face turned red. He'd seen Mark naked before, but it was different this time. This time, it meant something. 

Mark got up and left the room, causing Ethan to Panic for a moment. Until he rushed back in with a tiny bottle of lube in his hands. "Sorry, thought we may need this" he said and sat down in front of Ethan. "Now.. Ethan, before anything happens.. I need your permission. We can stop now if you'd like to. I don't mind"

Ethan couldn't help but smile at that. "I.. I want this, with you. I want it.. " Mark nodded as he coated two fingers. "Alright.. Let me know if I need to stop, okay?" And soon, a finger was making it's way inside of Ethan. He tensed, new to this. Well, new to someone else doing it. He'd never admit it, but he'd done this before to himself. Now that was something he'd never tell mark, because it wad embarrassing. 

As Mark worked his fingers, he slowly left kissed on Ethan's neck and chest to comfort him, which Ethan couldnt get over. As intimidating and funny Mark seemed, his sweet side was one of Ethan's favorites. Everyone on YouTube knows he has a sweet side, but not this sweet. It almost made Ethan want to cry. 

After a few minutes, Mark had three fingers in and Ethan was getting impatient. He appreciated the help, but he wanted more now. He reached out and grabbed Mark's hand. "Please.. " he begged, not caring how desperate he sounded. 

Mark pulled his fingers out and worked on getting himself ready. They were both nervous, Especially Ethan. This was a huge step, and he knew things would never be normal after this. This was much more than a simple kiss on camera, and they both knew it. 

As Mark slid in, he held Ethan's hips and looked down into his eyes, and Ethan looked back. This time, Mark's eyes were full of love, and had a comforting gaze. He knew in that moment, that he was safe. He wrapped his arms around Mark and gasped lightly when he started to move. 

It took him about a minute or two to adjust, but after that, he was a mess. One hand tangled in Mark's hair, and the other leaving mark's on his back. And of course, these only encouraged Mark, who obviously wasn't at all turned on by a little pain. At least, he told himself that. 

Ethan's moans rang throughout the room, and Mark seemed to thrust harder each time, wanting to make Ethan an absolute mess. And even though he was being rough, the love in his eyes never went away. 

"Fuck, oh god, Mark~" Ethan moaned when the male started to roughly thrust in and out of him. Ethan tried to keep quiet, but that clearly didn't last long as any sort of shyness he felt before was taken away by the amount of pleasure going through his body. 

"You like this, Eth?" Mark whispered into his ear inbetween his own moans. Ethan nodded and tightened his arms around Mark. "Please.. Don't stop" he begged. "God, please!" Mark smirked and moved one hand to lightly grip Ethan's neck, the younger male's eyes widening as he looked up into mark's eyes. 

"Tell me how much you like it, baby" he said, applying slight pressure to his neck. Ethan groaned and leaned into the touch. "I.. I love it, Mark.. I love how you feel.. I love this.. " he said, feeling the pressure build up in his stomach. "Oh god.. "

Mark tightened his grip and moved at a faster pace, as he could tell Ethan was close. "You close? You can cum, baby.. I wanna see you.. I wanna hear you. I wanna see you fall apart beneath me, baby.. "

Those words seemed to push him over the edge, because moments later Ethan let out a loud moan, his back arching slightly. "Mark! Fuck..!" He yelled out, squirming a little under him. His climax forced Mark over the edge as well, and he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment as he continued to move so they could both ride it out. 

Once they were done, Ethan looked up at Mark, watching how he moved as he tried to catch his breath. He smiled a bit and reached up, stroking his cheek which caused Mark's eyes to open. 

Mark returned the smile and leaned down, kissing ethan's cheek. He pulled out and laid down beside him, pulling him close and rubbing his back in an attempt to soothe him. They both felt sweaty and gross, but were way too tired to Get up and shower. 

Ethan laid his head on Mark's chest and smiled, closing his eyes. He was happy, and he didn't ever want to forget this moment. 

The last thing he felt before falling asleep was the feeling of Mark's lips peppering his face.


	6. Chapter Six

When Ethan woke up, he felt warmth. Which came from none other than Mark's arms around him. He turned over to face him, looking up at his face and admiring his features. Mark was very attractive, he'd always been, but more so lately. 

Back when he had no beard, less muscle, and shark fin hair, he was still attractive. But Ethan couldn't deny that he somewhat became more hot with the beard and muscles. And Ethan definitely loved the longer hair, as he thought it framed his face in just the right way to show off his jaw and eyes. 

He laid his head on his shoulder and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He felt calmer, more relaxed. Mark's arms around him made him feel like nothing could hurt him. For once, he felt like he was loved. Weeks ago he'd tried to end his life, thinking life wasn't worth living. But it was, it meant everything now. 

Mark's arms tightened around him, causing Ethan to panic for a moment, but relax quickly. 

"Good morning, Ethan.. " he heard a deep sleepy voiced Mark say. 

He pulled back and looked up at him, catching his eyes and smiling. "Good morning.. " he said softly, reaching up to cup one of his cheeks. He had no idea what time it was, but none of that mattered to him. 

"I hate to ruin the mood.. But it just dawned on me what we have to do today.. " Mark mumbled. Ethan raised an eyebrow, until it hit him. 

"Pee sauna.. " Mark laughed and sat up, nodding. "Yeah.. This'll be fun. We should probably get up. No need to shower, I'm sure we'll need that later"

\---

Mark and Ethan had not discussed last night at all, which was bugging Ethan a bit. He sat on the edge of the pool as he watched Mark swim around. They'd just finished the pee video, and long story short, it was miserable. 

Mark pulled himself out and pushed his hair back, letting out a breath. "That was awful. I swear, Evan.." He grumbled. "And the fans! They deserve to see this horrific event, they begged for it"

Ethan laughed and stood up, watching Mark dry himself off. "Hey Mark, so.. About last night.. "

"No need. I know what you're gonna say. Lines were crossed way past friendship. And we need to discuss it" he said. "To put it bluntly.. I really like you, more than in a friendly way. And I'd like to be with you, if you'll have me."

Ethan blushed and shifted on his feet, leaning closer a bit. "Are you sure? I mean, I am a huge mess and I mess up a lot and I've gotten-" he was hushed by mark's hand taking his, squeezing it. 

"Yeah, I know. And I don't care. I.. Think you're amazing, and I'd be honored to date you, Eth. I wanna show you how much you mean to me.. " he said softly. "Unless you don't want to, then we don't have to"

Ethan smiled and squeezed his hand back. "Of course I want to. I'm just worried about the fans and the channel."

"Let's not worry about that now. We can keep it secret until we're ready. And if we lose a few fans, then so be it, they aren't real fans anyways" Mark said. "Now, let's go take a real shower. I'm pretty sure pool water will only do so much.. "

After showering and getting changed, the two sat in Mark's office, watching and editing the pee sauna video. Well, mostly Ethan was editing, while Mark sat and played with Chica.   
Ethan didn't really mind. He used to edit mark's videos, and plus in this moment he felt peaceful. 

The room was dimly lit, and the only sounds he heard was the keyboard and Mark whispering praises to Chica. They weren't talking, yet it wasn't awkward. They were just enjoying each other's existence. 

It made him think back to Teamiplier days. Ethan and Kathryn editing, with the help of Amy and Mark, while Tyler usually helped organize things. They were working, but always had fun. Tyler's random jokes, that were so awful they were funny. And their breaks where they'd play games or get food. Even the twelve hour livestreams were fun to Ethan. When he first did one, he was nervous about not being able to sit for so long. But luckily, the little activities they did helped manage that. 

He missed it. Of course they all had to move on. Ethan stopped editing for Mark to focus on his own channel, and he was thankful that Mark supported him. He used to think Mark only hung out with him because he worked for him, so he was scared to step down. Fortunately, Mark wasn't that shallow to only use Ethan. 

Kathryn did her own thing now, and her and Ethan hung out a bit, as they lived together. Amy had her own stuff, but still helped Mark. Even after the breakup, she helped with Unus Annus. She didn't film anymore, at least not yet, but she gave ideas and helped them. 

Teamiplier days were over, but Ethan liked how things were now. Unus Annus was a cool project, and he was happy Mark wanted to do it with him. Ethan had mentioned to Mark about wanting a second channel, and Mark told Ethan how he was planning a year channel. Eventually, they just decided to do it together. Ethan loved it. He knew once it was over it'd be sad, but he'd still have the memories of what they did. And he hoped their connection stayed the same afterwards. 

Ethan was brought out of thought by the feeling of lips against his neck. He smiled and leaned back into Mark. Mark held him close and gently traced Ethan's chest, looking over at the screen to see how much they had done. 

"It's looking good. I think now we just need to add the timer and do the description. But we can take a break" he said and looked at Ethan, releasing him. 

"I noticed you seemed lost in thought, I just wanted to make sure you were okay" he said, genuinely concerned. Ethan understood why, and he felt bad. He hated that now Mark was always worried about his friend being suicidal again. And he could tell Mark wanted to fuss over him more than he actually did, but he didn't wanna treat Ethan like a child or like glass. 

"I'm fine. Thinking about how.. Right this feels. Relaxing together. Reminds me of the old days, but more.. Intimate" Ethan said. Mark nodded and stroked the back of Ethan's hand with his thumb. "I understand.. I like this too. It feels domestic in a way.. "

Ethan chuckled and tilted his head to the side. "I'm not used to the.. Romantic stuff yet, weirdly. But I like it. It does feel domestic. Like we're meant to be here with each other" he pulled his hand away and moved, crawling onto Mark's lap and going back to editing the video. 

He could hear Mark laugh behind him, and felt his hands hold on to his waist. "Am I just a chair to you, Nestor?" He teased.

"If only, chairs don't talk" he shot back, earning a playfully hit to his side. He just smiled as he started to work on the description. This was nice. This was what he always wanted. But for some reason, something in the back of his mind was bugging him. And he had no clue of what it even was. 

He let out a sigh and hit upload, waiting for the video to process. He'd figure this out, with Mark.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning! S-lf harm! Also important note at the end!

People think love can cure your mental health. Ethan was truly discovering, that that wasn't true. 

Mark took a two day trip to see family, and Ethan stayed behind to watch the dogs. He was also in charge of editing and uploading the pre-recorded Unus Annus videos. He didn't mind it, he even suggested the idea. He didn't want Mark worrying about YouTube when he needed to be relaxing with family. 

By the second day, Ethan was a mess. Mark would be back tomorrow, but it felt like forever. 

Many people had the idea that a relationship can cure you. It was an idea romanticized majorly in the media. There had even been instances where someone would break up with someone else because they couldn't cure them and took it personally. 

Mental health didn't work that way, obviously. For Ethan, being around Mark and friends would only distract him. He'd be having fun and not getting lost in his head, but it didn't mean he wasn't depressed. He hated the term 'you're having fun, how could you be depressed'. As if depressed people couldn't be happy. 

Being away from Mark gave him time to be alone in his head. Alone with his awful thoughts about himself. Intrusive thoughts. And it wasn't Mark's fault, because your partner isn't your antidepressant. Not your clutch. But the joy he felt around Mark was only a distraction. 

Standing in front of the mirror, Ethan quietly pointed out how many things he hated about himself. He'd gained the slightest bit of fat on his stomach during quarantine. It wasn't much, and only really showed when he Bent over, but he hated it. He hated his face. He felt he looked weird with short hair. Yeah, it had been growing back but it made his face look rounder, more childish. 

He felt disgusting. He looked at Mark and was in awe. Mark had gained just a bit as well, not as much as Ethan, but he did. But you could barely see it. In Ethan's opinion, his abs just looked less defined, but Mark was still muscular and hot. Why was he with Ethan again? 

The familiar itch at his wrists was making the intrusive thoughts worse. He didn't need to do this. But what if he did? What if it was just a little? Mark wouldn't know, he'd hide them. Maybe he'd do it in a different place. 

No. 

This was wrong. He couldn't do that to Mark. Mark was smart, he could always easily read Ethan. He'd find out. But what if he didn't? 

Ethan made his way towards the bedroom, going over to his bag and unzipping it. He reached into a small pocket and pulled out the small blade he kept hidden there. He didn't know why he brought it. He stayed with Mark after his suicide attempt, so why bring the very weapon he used? He had no self control. 

He hadn't planned on staying this long, but after getting together, neither of them saw a reason for Ethan to leave. Ethan frowned. He was taking up space. What if Mark just didn't wanna be rude and kick him out? The thought made him clutch the blade harder, feeling the sharp pain against his fingers. 

He made his way back into the bathroom and shut the door. Just a little. Just one. Mark won't notice one. He sat on the ground and traced the skin of his thigh. Just one. He bit his lip as he felt the familiar Sting against his skin. But soon, one turned into two, and two turned into five. He was lost now, watching the small beads of blood form, some rolling down his skin. 

This was wrong, but he couldn't stop himself. Once he ran out of space, he moved to his other leg. He could hide it, he'd just wear pants, no shorts for a while. Yeah, that may work. As he kept going, the cuts went deeper and deeper, but he avoided any veins. He didn't want a repeat. 

He then moved to his stomach and hips. This was new. He'd never done it here before, and it hurt a bit more than his thighs. But he didn't stop, he kept going. He deserved it. That's what he told himself. Mark deserved better. Ethan deserved to suffer. He was just a bother in Mark's life. 

By the time he was done, blood covered both thighs, hips, and parts of his stomach. He was bleeding, a lot. He stood shakily and grabbed some stuff from the drawers, deciding to clean the cuts since an infection would definitely be easy for Mark to see. 

Once done with that, he got to work on scrubbing the floor with a rag, knowing he'd have to throw it away. It was white, and there was no way he'd be able to make up an excuse. They were out of bleach, so that definitely wasn't an option. 

Then, the phone rang. "Shit.. " Ethan grabbed his phone and saw Mark's picture. He answered and stood up, thankful it was just a phone call and not facetime. 

"Ethan! Hey, baby, I miss you. I'm calling to let you know my flight is around two am. So I will be home at around seven am!" He said. He sounded so happy, and Ethan immediately felt guilty. 

"Great! I'm so excited to see you uh.. Do you want me to wake up early or stay up?" Ethan asked. It was already getting late, and he was exhausted. The blood loss wasn't helping. 

"No no it's fine, don't worry. Get some rest. I'll be home when you wake up and then we can spend time together. I'll catch an Uber, I don't want you driving so late around the airport. It's packed" Mark said. "You feeling okay? You sound.. Off"

Shit. "Yeah, yea! Just tired and I really miss you. I was also just cleaning the bathroom so I'm a bit wore out.. " well, it wasn't a total lie.. 

"Alright, well please get some rest. I gotta go have dinner and finish packing before my flight. Don't worry baby, I'll see you soon" Mark said. "I love you, bye!"

"I love you too.. " as the call ended, Ethan let out a breath. He lied, but he didn't wanna worry Mark. He looked at the bloody rag and made his way outside to throw it away. There. Mark didn't have to know. 

He went back inside and did his nightly routine. He fed and walked Chica and Spencer, and changed into a clean pair of boxers and one of mark's shirts. The boxers were a bit long, so he didn't worry about his legs. He decided to skip dinner, not in the mood to eat. 

As he laid in bed guilt was eating away at him. Could he continue to lie? He left no evidence for Mark, but what if he couldn't keep it quiet? He hated lying to Mark. Before he could decide, he felt himself drifting off. 

\---

Mark stepped out of the Uber and thanked him. He was just happy to be home. He missed Chica and Ethan. He hated being a way from the male, especially since they've gotten so close lately. Mark made his way inside and sat down long enough to give Chica and Spencer some attention. 

He then stood and walked to the kitchen, debating on eating before going to see Ethan. Maybe he'd wait so they could eat together. As he turned, he noticed the trash can full. Wouldn't hurt to take out. He pulled the bag up and tied it, replacing it with a clean bag and making his way outside. 

As he opened the big trashcan, he saw something fall out. He tossed the bag in and Bent down to pick it up. His heart dropped. It was a rag, a white rag, covered in what he assumed maybe was paint? Ethan wouldn't be painting, and the color was just too familiar. He brought it to his nose and instantly regretted it as he smelled the familiar scent of blood. It was faint, but undeniable. This wasn't here when he left, and it had been sitting right on top of everything. This was recent. 

His eyes shot back to the house, a feeling of dread coming over him. Ethan wasn't okay. 

Many thoughts ran through his head as he raced back inside the house. Did someone break in? No, everything was locked and the dogs were calm. Maybe Ethan accidentally got hurt? But why would he try to hide it? 

As he opened the bedroom door, he watched Ethan's body. He let out a breath when he saw him breathing and got closer, kneeling beside the bed. He grabbed ethan's wrist gently and frowned. Nothing there, which was a good thing, but also raised more questions. 

He examined his face. No injury. His fingers were fine. It didn't look like anything had happened. He stood back up and looked around the room before stepping into the bathroom. It smelled like cleaning products, but there was no sign of any damage. Now he was really confused. If Ethan didn't hurt himself, what happened? 

He wasn't done investigating, no, he needed answers. He walked around the room and saw Ethan's suitcase unzipped. He shouldn't, but he was. He opened it just a little and didn't see much, until he slipped his hand into a tiny pocket. What he pulled out had anger running through him. A blade. Ethan had kept a blade. He wasn't stupid, he knew why Ethan had it. 

He stood straight up and looked to the side, seeing their laundry basket. He felt like a creep, but out of the corner of his eye he saw red. Ethan's boxers. He picked up the light blue fabric and immediately saw the red on the edges. He dropped them and quickly walked over to Ethan, pulling the covers off of him. 

He didn't see anything at first, but something caught his eye. A cut right below the leg of his boxers. Mark bit his lip and grabbed the fabric, slowly pulling it down. This felt like an invasion, basically stripping his boyfriend as he slept, but this wasn't about sex. He needed to see what Ethan had done. 

Angry red lines covered his thighs and his hips, making the skin red around it. It looked sore and painful, and Mark could tell it was new by the heat it gave off. He pulled his boxers back up and lifted Ethan's shirt just to check. The skin was cut up was well, not as bad, but Mark could count at least ten Marks on the pale skin. 

It all came together in that moment. Ethan had hurt himself last night. When he said he was cleaning the bathroom, he was cleaning blood. The rag in the trash as an attempt to hide it from Mark. Mark had been on the phone with him as he cleaned his own blood, and he had no idea. He was talking to his boyfriend and couldn't tell he was in pain. 

Mark gripped the blade harshly and stormed around the room, checking ethan's bag for anymore blades. When he luckily found none, he went into the bathroom and wrapped the blade in toilet paper before tossing it in the toilet. Ethan wasn't gonna easily hurt himself again, Mark would make sure of it. He flushed the toilet and watched, making sure it went down. 

He went back to the bed and kicked his shoes off, crawling in beside Ethan. He had some hard choices to make, but he'd discuss it when Ethan woke. For now, he wanted to hold his lover close, and just cherish the fact he was alive and with Mark. 

He needed to do something. 

\---

When Ethan woke, he felt a hand on his stomach. He relaxed, knowing Mark was home, and turned around to face him. He hugged him tightly and smiled. "Mark.. "

He then froze, feeling the hand on his stomach move. His cuts weren't covered. He moved to try and pull his shirt down but Mark stopped him. Fuck. He knew. There's no way he didn't know. 

"Mark-"

"I love you, Ethan.. " Ethan stopped. He hadn't expected that to be Mark's reaction. 

"Mark I'm sor-" but he stopped when he felt a finger against his lips. Mark sat up and Ethan watched as he eyed the cuts.  
"Why?"

Ethan paused. Why? How was he supposed to tell him without sounding like a broken record. 

"I.. My body.. Everything. I gained weight during quarantine and.. I'm taking up space in your house! And I feel so useless, like I'm not good for anything besides being annoying. I constantly annoy you and I'm so fucking broken and a mess and.. I don't see why you'd want me!" He spat out, feeling pathetic 

"You're right"

He looked up, shocked, seeing mark's serious face. "What..?"

"I said, you're right" he repeated. "You did gain weight. You can be annoying. And you do take up space in my house" Mark said bluntly. Ethan wanted to curl into a ball and cry. He knew he was just bothering Mark. 

"I'll leave-"

"But"

"But?" Ethan asked quietly. He closed his eyes, prepared to be hit with everything he's ever done wrong. He deserved it. Mark hated him, and he deserved every bit of it. 

"I don't care that you gained weight. You barely gained anything, and even if you did gain a bunch I'd still find your handsome. And yeah, you get on my nerves so much but it's.. You. I'd be so lonely without your random talks and noises. And yeah you're taking up space but I want that. I want you here to stay. I want this to be our space.. I want to share it with you.. "

Ethan looked up, confused. Mark loved all those awful things? 

"Ethan I love everything about you. Your face, your smile, your noises, your body, your eyes, your personality. Even your flaws. You think I went into this not knowing what I had to handle? I love it.. " Mark said softly. 

"And I don't want it with anyone else because I'm not deeply in love with anyone else.. " he moved closer and stroked Ethan's cheek. "You're my Ethan.. Mine. Okay?" He pulled Ethan close and held him, rubbing his back to comfort him. 

"I flushed your blade" Ethan sat up, looking at Mark with wide eyes. "What? No Mark I.. I need it, you can't.. "

"I can and I did" he said sternly, Ethan immediately shutting up. "I'm not letting you hurt yourself anymore, Ethan.. And I know I can't cure you but I'm doing whatever I can to help you. You're not okay, we both know that.. " he said in a softer tone.

"I scheduled you a therapy appointment.. " he then said. "I'm paying for it, I don't mind. I found one close with a good rating, people seem to love her" Ethan frowned at the idea. Therapy. It only made him feel more broken. 

"I know it doesn't sound fun.. And I hate having to be strict with you, but I can't lose you, Eth. I cannot. You need help and I can only do so much.. " he reached out and took his hand. "I love you and I want a future with you. I want forever with you, but I don't want forever to be cut short"

Ethan nodded. He understood. Maybe this would help. Maybe he could get better. He imagined what it would be like to not hate himself, to not have to rely on a blade for when he is upset. 

"And I will be here to support you every step of the way, okay? Now... " he gently pushed Ethan to lay on his back. Ethan raised an eyebrow until he realized what Mark was doing. He was kissing his stomach. It was such a cheesy and dumb gesture, but it made tears well up in ethan's eyes. Mark loved him. He had to remember that. 

Mark cared for Ethan, and Ethan was lucky to have him. He wasn't alone, and he was so grateful. Instead of acting like he needed to make things better, he was getting Ethan help and supporting him. He didn't hate Ethan. He wasn't annoyed by his mental state. He was patient and understood him, and that's all Ethan wanted. 

He felt hot air against his ear. "I can't.. Take away your pain.. I can't promise to make it all disappear.. " he heard Mark whisper. "But.. I can promise you that you won't go through this alone.. You're not alone.. I've got you, and you're safe with me.. "

And Ethan smiled. He believed every word. He had no reason not to. 

"Now.. Let's make up for the time I was gone"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo another update. While I'm here, really quick wanna say I made a crankiplier YouTube video! It took a while to do due to only having mobile, but I worked really hard and I think it's decent. So if you want, feel free to check it out! 
> 
> Video: https://youtu.be/lpfzKxPrTE8


	8. Chapter Eight

Ethan stared blankly at the woman in front of him, biting his lip. He'd gone to the appointment like Mark suggested. She offered Mark to join but he'd been busy, plus he didn't want Ethan to hide away because he didn't want Mark hearing certain things. 

The woman, Emily, smiled at him. "Okay so Ethan. You know why you're here. Your friend Fischbach seemed really worried about you. It says on your paper you've been self harming. There was a suicide attempt a few months back that's on here. You are on medication for ADD. That's what I know so far"

Ethan nodded. "I would like for you maybe to explain why you attempted suicide. You can be completely honest with me, this stays between us" she said, giving him all her attention. 

What was he meant to say? He felt his reason was dumb. "I.. Was getting comments saying how I wasn't good enough. Ugly, annoying, my acne.. My.. friend, Mark, would make jokes. And usually they don't bug me, but on top of the comments, it was overwhelming.. It's dumb, I know.. "

"It's not dumb if you were hurting" Emily interrupted. "It makes sense. Not everyone thinks the same. And that's okay. My question is.. Have you ever been in a situation where this has happened before?"

That question stung. He had. He looked down. Could he open up to her? What if she thought he was crazy? "You can tell me, Ethan. Though, I won't force you"

"I dated this girl.. " he said softly. "Uh.. The girl I dated before Mark, it wasn't her.. But someone before that. Before I came to LA" he said. "She wasn't good.. I was annoying and would skip my medicine and she'd get aggravated with me. She'd hit me, tell me to shut up. And.. It hurt. All the time these comments. Too skinny for her. Gymnastics was girly. She said I should've done like football or something to reflect on her.. "

"And what happened to her?"

"I moved" Ethan answered, looking down at his hands. "She didn't want long distance. So we broke up and I left Maine and moved here"

She nodded and wrote something down. "The abuse wasn't the reason for the break-up?" She asked. 

"Abuse? No.. I.. I was annoying. It wasn't abuse. She had to put up with me.. That's.. My fault" Ethan quickly responded. That's how it felt. He loved her, but he wasn't a good boyfriend. She had deserved better. 

"Ethan would you ever hit Mark for getting on your nerves? For being annoying? What if he just caught you on a bad day one day and it sent you over the edge?"

Ethan quickly Shook his head. "No! Of course not. No matter how much he got on my nerves I could never lay a hand on him. I couldn't bring myself to do that"

"And whys that?" 

He scoffed "because obviously I love him and if you love someone you.. " he looked back up at her and his annoyed expression softened. He understood what she was trying to say. 

"Ethan, no abuse is okay in any relationship. It's awful and no one deserves it. I'm thinking maybe her words affected you and still do.. Lowered your confidence. Do you feel good enough for Mark?" She asked, checking off some things. 

"No. He's amazing.. Sometimes I feel less important." It was true. He looked up to Mark, always had. It was the only reason he was in LA in the first place, to work for his Hero. "I love him but.. It's been a while since he's really said he appreciates me. He says he loves me, but it'd be nice to hear that I.. Matter" he said. 

"Why don't you tell Mark that?" 

"It's scary. After dating her I catch myself being scared to speak up. Scared to defend myself. Though, I know Mark would never hurt me.. " 

"Ethan, I think one step to getting better, it to voice this concerns to Mark."

\--

Ethan shut the front door and smiled, leaning down to Greet Chica and Spencer as they walked up to greet him. "Oh pretty doggos, I missed you too!" He said, letting them kiss him. 

Mark had to be in the editing room. Should he say anything? She suggested he should, maybe it'd help. 

He walked up the stairs and down the hall, looking for the room. Mark was sitting there with a little bit of music playing in the background on low volume. He was editing an Unus Annus video, and by the looks of it, it seemed to be the one with the trenchcoat. He smiled. He liked that video. It was short but sweet, something that made him feel calm. It was an easy video, and just two friends hanging out. 

He walked over to the desk and without warning, sat down on Mark's lap, facing him. "Ethan, hey, how was therapy?" He immediately wrapped an arm around him, kissing the top of his head. 

"It was fine. I.. I wanna tell you something.. " he said in a small voice. He suddenly felt vulnerable. What if Mark laughed at him? Most men didn't speak out about a woman abusing them. 

"Go ahead, I'm right here" Mark responded, still looking at the screen but also listening to Ethan, glancing at him every so often to let him know he knew he was there. 

"Well.. This girl I dated. Not Mika.. Before her. Before moving to LA.. " he started. "She'd.. Abuse me. Hit me. Scream at me. Call me annoying. I was never the right body shape for her. She belittled my YouTube videos.. It was hard.. And.. I feel like that's one of the reasons I struggle with hate today. Because for like a year I was told I'm useless.. And it's so easy to believe when your self esteem already sucks.. "

Mark had stopped looking at the screen, staring down at his desk instead.   
"And.. I don't want that to ruin our relationship. I wanna feel.. Like I'm good enough. I just don't hear it often and I don't mind the jokes I just.. Sometimes wanna feel like I matter to you" 

Mark looked at Ethan and grabbed his chin, looking down at his face. He stayed quiet for a moment, and Ethan felt like he was being stared right through. Like he was transparent. He then, leaned down and placed a kiss on Ethan's lips. 

"I know I suck at letting people know how much they mean to me. It's hard to do sometimes. I usually tell jokes, hurtful jokes, and that's how I show I'm comfortable with someone.. " he laid back a bit and kept his eyes on Ethan's.   
"And I do appreciate you.. And I'm gonna be better about showing that. And I'm sorry about your ex. She missed out on someone great. But I'm glad you're mine now.. "

Ethan smiled and got closer, tilting his head a bit as Mark left a few gentle kissed on his neck.   
"I love you, Eth.. I do. I'm gonna be good for you. I'm gonna show you how important you are.. Okay? And I'm behind you on everything. Any support you need, I'm here."

Ethan hugged him tightly around the neck, closing his eyes. "I love you too, Mark.. God. I do. I really do.. Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for not making me do this alone.. "

Mark held him tighter. "You'll never be alone.. Actually.. I wrote you something.. " he turned back to the computer and opened his notes. "Lay down and close your eyes.. I'm gonna read it to you"

Ethan nodded and laid his head on Mark's chest, closing his eyes and listening. He was confused, but he didn't question Mark. 

Mark bit his lip and began. "With the word people, I only think of you ..with your shimmering eyes and graceful clumsiness..." He said softly.   
"I know of others With rageful quiet and running thoughts, But your calming mumbles define it for me..."

Ethan chewed on his lip. This was sweet, really sweet. Since when could Mark write? 

"I know of others with scornful words and synonyms only for hate but you bring humanity alive...I know of more Who are time hungry and clock blind, Who become frozen in green and lose touch..But you know the smell of roses..The song of trust and love." He felt Mark's grip tighten. 

"When I see "people" I think of hands as gates for rage. As eyes for spotlights, And feet as magnets opposite to mine. But you, dear, Remind me that people are more than they first appear..." Mark finished and looked down at Ethan who was staring right back at him. 

"Mark.. "

"I know it's not much. I'm not a great writer.. But I wanted to do something for you. You're on my mind a lot, you know that?"

Ethan blushed and placed a kiss on Mark's neck. "Oh shut up.. "

"I love you"

"I love you too"

\---

They'd just finished the jaw video and Mark's mind was racing. During the video there was a bit where he picked up a box and Ethan acted like Mark was proposing. Mark went along with it, but now it had him thinking. Would he and Ethan ever get married? 

He liked the idea. He never proposed to Amy because it didn't feel right, but now all he was thinking about is what kind of ring Ethan would want. Was it too soon? They'd been together maybe a month, but they've been friends nearly four years, five if you count the second backflip where Mark actually noticed him. 

Ethan never talked about marriage. Even as a joke, as far as Mark knew. Did he even want to get married one day? And if he did, would he wanna marry Mark? He looked at Ethan as they cleaned up, watching his face. Ethan noticed and smiled at him. 

"Gee Mark, take a picture" he teased and put a box to the side, closing it. 

"What's your thoughts on marriage?" The idea caught Ethan completely off-guard. Marriage? He'd thought about it before. He always assumed he'd get married one day, but never put much thought into it. Did he want to get married? 

"I.. I like it. Belonging to someone for the rest of your lives. Never really something I focussed on.. But I like the idea" he answered. Maybe he wouldn't mind it. It sounded fun, as long as it was with the right person. "Only with the right person, though?"

Mark nodded and stood up "what makes someone the right person?" 

Ethan looked over, setting everything down and crossing his arms. "Well...someone who makes you happy. Someone who cares for you, someone you can't imagine your life without" he answered. "No matter how long you're with them. If you love them, and can't imagine losing them.. Marry them. Don't take that love for granted"

Mark leaned against the wall, arms crossed. He was smiling. Ethan was right, and all Mark could think of was how Ethan fit that description. Mark never wanted to lose him. He'd been a close friend and important figure in his life for years now. Someone who was once a fan, turned into someone he couldn't live without. Someone who supported his dreams and stood behind him every step of the way. Ethan was more than a friend or lover, he was Mark's soulmate. 

He'd been there through so much. Always helping Mark reach certain goals no matter how stupid. A date with Markiplier seemed a little odd, but Ethan never gave up on him. Same with all his other projects, even Unus Annus. He'd been through so much as well. Mark had fans that hated Ethan, and while he didn't consider them real fans, he knew they were there. 

When he'd make gaming videos with Ethan, Bob, and Wade people would Comment about Sean. They'd say Ethan was an annoying replacement, which wasn't true at all. Some claimed Ethan used Mark for fame, which wasn't true either. 

They had maybe a handful of gaming videos together, and none recent. If anything, Mark would think Ethan didn't want Mark in videos because of how it'd seem. But he was in Markiplier makes videos, and some improv videos with his other friends. And he never acted weird about it, never really promoted himself unless it was for a bit or Mark did it. 

Ethan had looked up to Mark, but didn't use him for views. Ethan was passionate about YouTube, and wasn't the type to try and gain more from others. that's something Mark loved about him. He was a hard worker, and didn't give up no matter how hard his job was. 

He didn't hang out with Mark because he was Markiplier. Maybe before moving to LA, but now, he did it because Mark was his friend, someone he actually cared about. 

"Mark? Are you okay?" Ethan's voice broke his train of thought. The older man smiled and pushed himself off the wall, putting his hands on Ethan's shoulders. 

"I'm perfect, don't worry. Let's go set up for our next video" the younger nodded and smiled, grabbing some stuff to move outside. 

Mark watched him, grabbing one of the cameras. He planned to go ring shopping after they finished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the Late update, I know it's not as long as I'd like it to be. 
> 
> Question: is there anything in this story you guys want included? Any topics, drama, fluff, anything I should include? Comment any suggestions if you have any. I'm open to ideas! 
> 
> Also, I uploaded another Edit on my YouTube! It's nor a crankiplier video, but just a short Unus Annus video. Feel free to watch/give feedback. Maybe YouTube would be fun to do? 
> 
> Video: https://youtu.be/mVckRvEpCVw
> 
> If you wanna see my cute Crankiplier edit video, it's in the notes of the previous chapter! Hope you're all doing well ❤️


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